Source - Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life
A few weeks after I had passed my oral exam and finished coaching certification a close friend asked me a question:
‘What is the single most important thing you have learned from becoming a certified coach?’
My first thought was: Damn, that is a great coaching question - need to borrow this one.
I had to think about this a good bit since it was really difficult to distil everything I learned down to ONE thing. A better question may have been:
‘What area of my life has NOT been influenced through this process’
I decided it actually wasn’t specifically what I learned but more what I had to
UNLEARN.
Looking back at my educational experience you were rewarded when you delivered the answer to a challenge from a teacher as fast as possible.
Raise your hand quickly. Timed multiple-choice exams, pop quizzes.
There was usually always one ‘right answer. When I entered the working world, particularly as a consultant, the goal was much the same - to develop a solution for the client and most of all ‘deliver value. Value usually was measured in money.
Enter coaching and this turned out to be very different.
Wanting to help - desperately
When I first started coaching, my clients came to me and needed my help in moving forward in some areas of their lives.
I wanted to help people. Immediately.
As I continued coaching people I soon started doubting myself.
‘Am I delivering ANY value to these people..really?’
One of the four cornerstones of the Co-Active model is that People are ‘Naturally Creative Resourceful and Whole’. This is a beautiful concept that people have everything they need to succeed and thrive. There is nothing they are missing.
People are capable of:
Finding their own answers
Making decisions
Recovering from failure and learning
Once I fully integrated (this took time) into my coaching I knew I didn’t need to have the answer.
My role was to facilitate a conversation to allow a solution to emerge from the client in their own time. They owned the process.
This was a liberating feeling for me, and I can still feel the calmness of my body when I realised this.
This calmness allowed me to focus my energy on many other areas that are part of being a good coach:
Listening
This allowed me to listen.
I mean really listen, not just pretending to listen waiting for our turn to talk.
Listening with the intent to learn and not teach or fix. I could focus on the entire person - their expressions, voice and gave my intuition time to work. I was soon able not to rely only on my intellect, but on what I saw and felt in my body.
Curiosity, Asking Better Questions
When you are in solution mode and have something in mind for a client you tend to ask questions that ‘reveal’ your solution. This makes you look like a good coach (high five to me!) and deliver value. When I let this go, I asked questions without an agenda and just focused on being curious and learning more. The coaching shifted from less about me and my ego and more to see the client who they truly are. Perfect.
Slow down
When I first started coaching I was excited during my sessions. This took the form of me asking quite a few questions. Very quickly.
I remember an evaluation of one of my recorded client coaching sessions. My supervisor stopped the recording and said quite bluntly:
You are a machine gun of questions!
They are good questions, but no human could ever respond to even one of them before you ask the next.You need to SLOW DOWN and give people time to reflect and answer.
This is where the value for them lies. You don’t need to have the answer
This was painful to hear but true.
She suggested that I pretended I was tossing a ball back and forth with the client. In this case, the ball was a question from me and a response from them. Worked perfectly.
This entire certification process has been very exhilarating, messy and frustrating all at the same time. Unlearning how I had been taught to think was hard. Really hard. My motivation for this was the power I have experienced myself with coaching and the shift I was able to see emerge in others. Once I got a taste of that I KNEW, I wanted to offer this to others in my life.
The real answer to the initial question from my friend is that certification has influenced all aspects of my life and I can say I am a better human, friend, brother, son and partner.
I am complete.
If you are interested in learning more about coaching I offer sample sessions without cost. Let me know. Good luck.